To She or Not to She (looking for a Valentine?)

This image is © 2015 by Life As She Does It. Please link back or credit if any content or images are used. 

To know me is to love me…is NOT what most people say if they know me.  Don’t get me wrong.  I know people who know me do, indeed, love me.  Keeping it real, though:  if they KNOW me, AND they love me – it’s a dangerous cocktail.

I am not your average, uhhhh, (rephrase) NORMAL person.

I am a Jesus freak, a control freak…a freak of nature.  I have extreme obsessive compulsive disorder about having order, am obsessed with my husband, and compulsive about just about anything.  I love wine, hate whining, and whine about whiners.  I am extremely organized in some ways, extremely messy in others, and just plain extreme.  I am eccentric, but old-fashioned.  I am a good cooker, bad with numbers, and mediocre in almost everything else.  I want my kids to be independent, as long as they depend on me.  I'm very serious, and I'm very silly.  And I'm very serious about being silly.  I have a collection of unconventional hats, which I wear to conventional places.  I sing with every song on the radio, and with every song in my heart.  I am obnoxious, but long-suffering.  I am patient, but not for long.  I want to serve, and I find it hard to receive being served.  I’m always tired, but hate to sleep.  I make presents way more than I buy presents, and I love being present.  I love being on-stage and putting it all out there, yet I’m one of the most private people I know.  My living legacy is important to me, and the legacy I leave behind is, too.  I’m a tad narcissistic, and a tad self-loathing.  I’m a tough nut to crack.  I’m a nut.

I’m not the easiest person to love – ESPECIALLY if you know me.

I am sure, though, if I know YOU, I love you.  In some way, and by some show – albeit nominal or intense - I absolutely love you.  It could be the bread I made you from scratch, the prayer I say for you, or the hug I make linger for a long (and sometimes awkward) time with you……or just by telling you so.  But you can bet - I love you.

So, if you're looking for a Valentine:  To She or not to She.  THAT is the question.  Good luck to you, WHICHEVER you choose.

The Perfect Blend

https://www.flickr.com/photos/rgarciasuarez74/4012174390/

When I met Adrian, it was clear we had similar "baggage". We both came from a not-so-amicable divorce, we both had children from that previous marriage, and we both were never going to get married again. (Ya see how that worked out, don't ya?)

These days, we live in a society of blended families. It's the norm, really. People never used to be as surprised to hear an older, married couple say they were celebrating their 25th, 40th, or 50th wedding anniversary. Nowadays, it's astonishing just to hear if someone hasn't been divorced at least once. And yep - I'm part of that society.

After we started seeing each other on a serious level (sounds so mature, doesn't it?), we knew that we weren't just seeing each other, but also each other's children. Then, when we got married, we knew we weren't just marrying each other, but becoming part of the parental units the children would share. I am a person of faith, and I can tell you that the moment I accepted Adrian's proposal, I prayed he would be an example of a man that would buy the truth and not sell it; gain wisdom, instruction, and understanding, and then deliver it to our children. I prayed with all my might he would put aside all judgment and generously share with the children his unconditional love he had for me, and that he would have a "Joseph-spirit", (Joseph, the step-father of Jesus, who, in my opinion was the greatest step-father who ever lived).

I prayed he would be the perfect father, and that together we would be the perfect parents.

Um, NO.

Though at the present time I am the richest woman in the world, it has not come without its trials, pitfalls, difficulties, and snags. The process has been less-than-perfect. There have been disagreements, arguments, knock-down-drag-outs, and moments we are less-than-proud of. We have seen illness, death, valleys, and psychiatrists. We have had seasons where we gained friends and family, but also lost friends and family. We have shared in drama, defeat, lost savings; had powerful, emotional lows, and scraped the bottom of life's barrel. And we did it all together.

Don't get me wrong, we have all - Adrian, me, AND the kids - worked at it with all our hearts, and the price of the success we share as a family unit came through that hard work and dedication. Because with all of those things, we have also seen grace, mercy, compassion, and triumph over illness. We have been taught endurance, grown in faith, strength, and perseverance, and learned to trust. We have celebrated the peaks, marriages, each other, life, and love. And we did it all together.

We have a beautiful family, and we are protective of that. We live a charmed life, always enjoying the things that most people don't see right in front of them, and we are joyful and thankful for that. But if it was all taken away from us tomorrow, we would remember that life is a big canvas and we threw all the paint on it we could; we would remember that we made the decision to be a family and commit ourselves to making it a success; we would remember that without the valleys there would be no peaks. We would remember that we were given the gift of being like a unique wine - the gift of being intricately perfected and blended.

CrossingJordan

This image is © 2015 by Life As She Does It. Please link back or credit if any content or images are used. 

Being a blended family is no easy task.  It’s been done since the dawn of time, though; even in biblical times.  Joseph is probably the world’s best-known and greatest step-dad ever!

Well our blended family dynamic is one we are consistently working on.   As people change and grow, so does the dynamic.  Jordan is our youngest.  He has always been our “quiet one”.  But, just like his dad, though he doesn't have much to say, when he does, it’s funny, crazy, or profound.

I remember showing him how to tie his shoe: “Over, under, around, and through…that’s how Jordan ties his shoe!”  I remember him saying the word shoes in Spanish – “zapatos” – and he would crack me up every time because of how deliberate and intentional he was about it.  I remember him saying he wanted to be a fireman when he grew up so I arranged for a tour of a firehouse – he screamed and cried the entire time, louder than the firetruck!

Once, he came home and said, “I’ve been thinking about what you were going to cook for dinner aaall day!  You’re a good cooker!”

All good memories.  I would be remiss if I told you it’s all been cheese and lollipops, though.  Of course, we have had disagreements.  Of course we have had misunderstandings.  Of course we have had moments of pain, suffering, and disappointment.  But that happens in ANY family.

I am grateful for Jordan.  Without him even knowing it, he has changed my life in so many ways.  Chelsea and Cameron are so outgoing and (booyah!) “in-yo-face”.  I've watched poor Jordan take a back seat to that so many times – but with quiet fortitude and grace.  I've learned that you can scream something to someone in a relationship without ever making a sound because of Jordan.  I've learned that sometimes that’s best.  I've also learned that you can love a child as though they are your very own, even when they are not because of Jordan.  I've learned that a blood relation does not mean unconditional love, but rather unconditional love deepens a relationship.  I've learned, because of Jordan, that there are more than two sides to every story, and that truth is vital.

I spend a lot of time writing blog posts about my family because they've all been strategically placed in my life to continue to form and mold me.  I blog about all the paths these people in my life have crossed and the way it’s made me become She – the way it’s helped me form my living legacy and the legacy I leave behind.  I've written about crossing paths with many different people, but before today, I’ve yet to write about crossing Jordan and the difference he’s made in me.

Who has made a difference in your life that may not get quite the credit they deserve?  Maya Angelou once said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said; people will forget what you did; but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

These images are © 2015 by Life As She Does It. Please link back or credit if any content or images are used. 

Blue to the Bone

Photo Source: https://pixabay.com/en/two-hearts-red-heart-love-symbol-631344/

When Chelsea was born 21 years ago today, I knew the second she came into the world she would be a force to be reckoned with.  She didn't cry.  She had to be tapped on the bottom with the doctor’s first two fingers before she started to sound like a sweet little lamb.  (It wasn't the last time she would be tapped on the bottom for her rebellious nature!)  But that cry had a certain tone to it – it was different and I knew it right away.

Every night when Chelsea was little, she and I had a ritual after her night-time bath.  I would blow dry her hair and sing a song I knew from when I was a kid called Blue to the Bone.  I have no idea where I learned it or how I knew it – just seemed like it had always been there.  When the blow dryer would go, I would sing it to Chelsea and by the time the song was done, her hair would be dry.  One night, she started to sing it first.  Her voice sounded just so pretty – and she was so stinkin’ cute!  So I started to sing with her, only I added harmony.  Much to my surprise she held her own and a beautiful sound emerged from the lovely acoustics of the bathroom!  (oxy-moronic statement much?)

For my birthday one year, Adrian got a friend of ours, Vic Mignona, to record us singing this song.  He had a recording studio in his home and he does a lot of professional production work, among other things.  Vic added some music and even had Adrian add some bass to the end chorus!  (Picture “Daddy Sang Bass” a la Johnny Cash!)

It was a wonderful gift, as was Chelsea being born.  I still listen to it and when I do, I can’t believe my Little Lamb is all grown up.  She has been through very hard times with grace, and it has pushed her faith to the limit.  But that little rebel never let those times make her blue to the bone.  Instead she created her own song in life, realizing that the decisions she made would create her legacy – understanding life is not always beautiful harmony, but to make the most for every bit of it and be thankful for the opportunity to have a purpose here in this life.

Happy Birthday, Chelsea Dane.  I love you.  Thank you for making my life better.

Here is the recording of Chelsea and I singing Blue to the Bone (featuring Adrian singing bass at the end): 

Sam, I Am

Photo Source: http://www.clipartpanda.com/clipart_images/dr-seuss-clip-art-2185822

As a young girl, I, like many other young girls, would dream up my prince charming.  Mine was tall with dark hair and smoldering eyes, smart, and funny.  He would be the guy that would do anything for his wife.  He would ride in (on a white horse, of course) just in time and save the day.  As an (ahem) older, (much) wiser woman, I now realize that dream came true (minus the horse, of course).  But I’m not just talking about my Prince Charming of a husband.  I've been blessed enough to have the very same dream come true for my daughter.  Little did I know when I was praying for that perfect guy for me, I was asking for the very same for my then not-yet-a-twinkle-in-my-eye daughter.

Sam is what I always refer to as “proof of the power of a praying parent.”  (Say THAT five times fast!)  To say that he is a good husband to our daughter is an understatement.  There is no doubt in our minds that if there was a bullet coming toward her, he would jump in front of it (though we believe it would bounce off his chest).  Yes.  He is definitely a superhero.  The gentle, sweet, and lovely kind  - with the inner strength and moxie of ten men.

But being Chelsea’s husband is not Sam’s entire identity to us.  Sam is someone we've watched go through the horrific loss of his older brother with grace and mourn his loss with full-force.  Sam is that same man that stood with his shoulders taut so that his family could rest on them during that tragedy.  Sam is the man that stands for what’s right at the risk of losing to what’s wrong.  He is the same man that trembled a little when he proposed to Chelsea, but stood tall and strong to look her in the eye on her wedding day.  Sam is the man that took us to lunch to ask for our daughter’s hand in marriage with the promise to protect her, and the man who has followed through on that promise thus far.  He is the man that looks at me with a softness that makes me forget he’s not my own child.  Sam is the man that can look at Chelsea like she is the most beautiful woman that ever existed and yet, like she’s a steak and he’s starving all at the same time.  He is Sam.  Not Sam who tries too hard or pretends to be someone he isn't.  If you were to ask him why he is this way and how did he get here, he would humbly shrug his shoulders, and say with that serious tone-of-voice and a wry little half-smile, “That’s just who I am.”

Sam, I am.

I don’t know that I can extend to you how grateful I am to have that for Chelsea – and for this family.  In this world, and in this life, you never know what you’re going to get.   But I prayed for him – and he came.  God sent him.  Yes.  Sam is a God-send.

Our family goes through the ups and the downs.   And Sam is part of both every step of the way.  But his faith remains strong.  His belief system is part of his make-up – and he won’t let his own burdens weigh on you.  I sometimes stand in amazement at how this is true of our son-in-law.  I watch him with his wife (our daughter) and how he loves her without condition.  I watch him with his younger brother and two younger brothers-in-law, and how he tries so hard to be a leader.  I watch him with his parents and how he loves them enough to be his own man, but thankful for the man they've helped him become.  I watch him silently allow people to be themselves while he slyly watches in the background, careful never to steal any thunder.  I watch him and wish I could say I was Sam.  Sam, I am.

These images are © 2015 by Life As She Does It. Please link back or credit if any content or images are used. 

Angry Birds

Photo Source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/tripletsisters/

Not everyone and not every time, but I’ve discovered that the majority of couples that have been together for a while tend to discourage newer couples......maybe it’s subconscious, may be it isn't, but either way - they do it.  An example of what I mean:  A baby bird couple with their brand new love-nest is holding hands and nuzzling noses in front of an older couple. “How long have you been married?” they ask. “Two years”, reply the baby bird couple. “Ooohhhhh. THAT explains it. Just wait until you’re at ten years! That lovey-dovey stuff WILL change!!”

Why does it have to? Adrian and I have been together 13 years, and married for 11 ½ of them, and I can guarantee we love and care for one another much deeper and more than EVER. We’ve discussed it, in fact. We definitely nuzzle and snuggle and hold hands and (get ready for it) are intimate – OFTEN.

We tease our daughter and son-in-law, Chelsea and Sam, a lot because they are so cheesy. She literally has six (and counting!) 'I Love My Hubby' t-shirts. And social media?? FORGET IT! They are so schmoopy-woopy that it gives ya a tooth ache when you read their status updates! We told them they had one year of newly-wedded bliss before we would start calling them out about it and they needed to cease and desist because it was ridiculous. Well, their one-year anniversary was this last week. And I’ve changed my mind – shame on us for ever trying to STOP them from openly caring for one another and spread the love! They can be as sugary and drippy as they want – it is NOT ridiculousness. It is a gem that they have such a magnificent appeal and affinity for one another and I pray I never discourage it again. They have even said to Adrian and I they have learned so much about how to be a loving couple from us, so why would I ever want to discourage them from shouting from the rooftops and having love and respect for one another?...for being love birds?

Here is the part where I want to make sure I’m real with you – am I saying Adrian and I do not get on each other’s nerves or have disagreements? No. You better bet your bippy nothing could be further from the truth. I have always said the hardest job in the world is being married to me and being the confident husband that lets me be myself. I’ve also said that our son-in-law is proof of the power of a praying parent. Being a couple is HARD WORK.  If you’re willing to put in that hard work, it can only get better, and not be so hard in the long run.  You can become mature, full-feathered love birds.

If you don’t believe in public displays of affection or that it’s possible to still get butterflies when your other half walks into the room (like I do), and you are certain that’s the way life as a couple is expected to turn out, then so be it. I just think we should try not to wring the love out of the couples that don’t share that belief by pushing those views on THEM and telling them that’s the way it’s supposed to be for EVERYONE.

Recently, I witnessed the face of baby bird drop when she heard from an angry bird how disappointing husbands become and that the blush on her cheeks when talking about her husband would fade with time. I looked baby love bird straight in the eyes and said “That’s not how my husband and I are and we’ve been together 13 years. He is the love of my life. Its hard work to keep it sizzling, but we manage. It’s SO worth it.” She looked at me with hope in her eyes as the angry bird snapped, “Well, that’s rare.”

And she’s right. It is.

We, as mere human beings (the bird analogy was for the sake of the post), tend to cling to the negative. We also tend to discourage naturally. The truth is, we ALL want encouragement, love, and respect for emotional wholeness in ANY relationship we have. Concentrate. Make certain you hold the relationships in your life to a high esteem and don't force your own negativity on those who seem happy. Keep it real, knowing it’s not an easy road - but if you're conscientious about what you say and how you say it; if you’re willing to admit that lovey-dovey is not ridiculous, but rather ATTAINABLE; if you choose to be a love bird instead of an angry bird and you’re swift to deliver the message that you’re on love’s side and it’s so worth it – IT WILL BE.

Mommy, Will You Marry Me?

This image is © 2015 by Life As She Does It. Please link back or credit if any content or images are used. 

They're the words most girls dream of......the proposal that takes you into exciting nuptials and wedded bliss true love stories are made of; unless of course, they come from your six-year-old son.

When Cameron was about that age, we were in our usual bedtime ritual of bath, brush the teeth, put on pajamas, read a book, say our prayers, tuck that little chubby boy with his curly locks into the sheets and coverlet like he was a sausage-in-a-biscuit, kiss his forehead and say "good night".  Just as I reached the door and my hand felt for the light switch, I heard, "Mommy?"  "Here comes the excuse train to avoid sleepy-time.", I thought.  But instead when I answered, "Yes?" I received this response: "Mommy, when I get older, will you marry me?"  Well, if that doesn't just make you melt, you've no heart in your chest. I know some of you are thinking I sat down on the bed and cautiously explained all the reasons that didn't make sense or how in real life, that would never happen - and if that's what you're thinking, then you're wrong.   "Of course I will" was my response.  He smiled with heavy eyelids, nodded slowly, and faded off into slumber.

You don't forget those moments.  Not ever.  Cameron is 19 now and even as I type this, it is vivid in my mind, food for my soul, and brings tears to my eyes.  Since that moment, I've seen Cameron grow into a man any girl would love to marry.  He has heard devastating diagnoses and taken them with grace, come close to death a few times and testified accordingly, has such a strong faith and is not ashamed to say so, and climbed more mountains than any thrill seeker - and made it to the top every time.  He's so handsome (he's ROCKED both a 'fro AND a faux-hawk), strong like an ox, and his heart is just the right amount of tender.  And this is not the biased writing of the mother of a Momma's Boy, either.

Well......yes, it is.

Now Cameron and I have a very special relationship.  We've stood by each other through thick and thin.  But a few years ago, we were in the car together and I was feeling nostalgic and taking a stroll down memory lane.  "Awww, Cam.  Do you remember when you were little and you asked me to marry you?"  He smiled wryly, and put his hand on top of mine on the middle console of the car.  "Yyyyyeeaa...about that, Mom......I don't think it's gonna work out."  (Not exactly left at the altar, but dumped just the same!)

It is a cute follow-up to an adorable story, I know.  But the story doesn't end there at all.  Cameron continues to do whatever he feels he must to take care of me, protect me, and truly love me.  He is proud I'm his mom, though my mistakes have been many; and I am proud of him as my son, though the frustrations have been, too.

I pray for him daily.  I pray protection from evil and all wicked intent, and I pray he continues to grow in strength in his faith.  I pray he finds the RIGHT woman to marry, one whose faith mirrors his, so that their union is strong and clean.  I pray I can hold those special memories in my heart and mind for as long as I'm alive.  And I pray my legacy is great in his heart and mind as long as he's alive....and I pray he rises up, and calls me blessed.

And of course, I pray he's Mr. Right for the girl of his dreams - that he does whatever he feels he must to take care of her, protect her, and truly love her......and that his proposal leads them into exciting nuptials and wedded bliss true love stories are made of.

Don't take one trial or test of faith for granted.  Even the worst of days are meant to raise you with moxie and help you learn to relish the good ones.  And when a proposal is presented to you, be sure to carefully consider it before saying no.  It could be the transfer of some of your journey to someone else's path, all while building the legacy you leave behind.